Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Leader of the Pack... Yes, My Mother.

Time heals.   Is this really a true statement?   This week is a tough one for me and it has been the last two years and it will be going forward every year.  This week will forever be in my heart and on my mind.

I've recently realized that for the last two years... I've just been going through the motions of life.   Putting one foot in front of the other.   I've just kept moving.  (I was told... just take it one day at a time... and it will get better with time.)      Newsflash:  Time cannot fix anything nor can it heal your heart.    It takes actions to fix anything and it takes steps to help your heart heal in a way that you can handle your loss.    

Two years ago this week.... my mom passed away.   

Two years later... I cannot have a conversation about my mother to anyone... without tears falling.   Two years later... I am still picking up the phone to call her from the grocery store.   Two years later... I am still having difficulty going through some of her things and continue to put it off.   Two years later... I can hear her in things that come out of my mouth.   Two years later... I still miss her as if... it were yesterday.   

You're probably reading this and thinking... how depressing.   Actually, don't think that.  For the first time in awhile, I can actually smile and know it's a real smile.  I can laugh and know that I'm truly feeling joy back into my life.    Time has given me an opportunity to deal with my own feelings, my own needs and to know that no matter how much time has passed... it's always going to hurt and I'm always going to miss... her.  Actually, I miss both of my parents... greatly.   Time has given me a chance to realize that it's up to me to take the steps needed to live again and not just go through the motions.   Nothing can ever replace a loved one that you lose.   Nothing will ever be the same.  Time has allowed me to accept that and begin the healing process where I can enjoy my life again.  

Remembering helps.  Remembering allows our emotions to be expressed.   I've learned that it's okay to cry.  It's okay to still feel loss.  It's okay to handle grief differently.   This blog is not a blog of self-pity.  No...  This blog is a tribute... to my foundation.   I've read so many other amazing blogs on loss and grief.  They've all been inspiring and they've all helped as I've traveled through my own grief to get to this point.   Now.. I can remember and not feel pain, but feel tremendous love.    It's amazing how our parents impact our lives in ways that we don't realize... until we don't have it any longer.   Have you thought about the things that you'd truly miss?   For me.. my choices surprised me and at the same time, they also brought a smile to my face.

My mother used to get great satisfaction out of lecturing me about getting on airplanes, traveling alone and going out into the big bad world... (at age 40!)  Deep down... she was really living vicariously through me, even though she would never admit it.   Ever.   Every trip I would take... I would get a phone call that would start out with.... "Are you there?"... and I would smile and take a deep breath and say... "Yes, I made it."  The conversation would continue... with "Well, what's there?"... when reality was... I had only landed 15 minutes prior and hadn't made it out of the airport.   But... like all dutiful daughters... I played along and said.. well, I haven't seen anything but big buildings yet, etc.. and this would eventually lead into... the dangers of the world.   After a 15-20 minute conversation, she would finally have enough information... to pass along to her telephone chain.

Needless to say, everybody who was friends with my mother... always knew where I was and what I was doing which was why... I learned to only tell her things... that didn't really matter.   Now... I don't have that opportunity to share with her... my "glamourous" life as she used to call it, but, every trip... I still wait for the phone call... that doesn't come.

Now... I am sure that some of you have always heard stories about how your parents had it much tougher than you did.   I know that in my family, it was always a topic that turned into how "spoiled" we were and if we had to pick cotton like she did and work from " can to can't!"     One of my fondest memories is hearing my mother talk with her siblings about growing up and their adventures in the cotton patch.   I'm laughing now, just thinking about it.   My mother came from a large family.  She had 7 siblings in her family and 2 siblings from her dad's family prior to marrying my "mamaw".   They weren't a rich family,  and to hear my mother tell it... they were the exact opposite, but they always had food on the table and they all worked from the time they could walk (her words), except the "second" set as she liked to refer to a couple of my aunts and an uncle.  (What does second set mean?  My mother's youngest sister was born when she was 17 or 18 years old) so, she called them the second set.   The funny thing.. is that she absolutely would have walked on water for her younger sister, although she said that when she was born she was soooooo embarrassed.  For that matter, she would have walked on water for any of her siblings... she was just that way.  She may not have wanted them to know it... but they knew.   She could talk about them and her own kids all day long, but don't let anyone else breath a word of bad.  She stood beside and with her family through thick and thin, even as she was "politely" letting you know what you did wrong.  (For those who knew my mother... I am sure you can all laugh of what "politely" meant!)

As I write and laugh out loud... one thing that I know will always be said about her...is that most people thought my mother was mean.  In fact, she was mean and the older she got and more set in her ways, the meaner she became... but the real truth is... she would have given the shirt off her back for those she loved.  She played the tough, strong, independent leader to the hilt.  One of my cousins, who my mother loved like her own, made the statement when she passed away, "She was the Leader of the Pack".   It was true.  She played it well, but the truth is.. when things got tough or somebody needed something... my mother was the first person there.    My mother wasn't an overly affectionate person.  She would grant a pat to a long lost relative or a hug every now and then.  She would hug her grandchildren and love on her great grand-baby... but she never said the words.  My mother was a "fighter" and I say that with laughter because honestly, she'd fight or debate about anything and to anyone.   You didn't even have to be family to be on the reciprocal end.   One of the things that I loved to do best... was hug my mother when she least expected it, especially if she was mad.   She would act like she was fighting mad, when deep down, she loved every minute of it.

Two years later... I'd love to be able to hug my mother.  I'd love to hear a story of how tough she had it and how lucky I am.  I'd love for my telephone to ring.   Two years later... I'd love for her to tell me that I'm not cooking something right.    Two years later... I'm smiling and laughing.... and finally realizing that I'm still doing all those things... through memories.    For the first time... tears didn't fall from pain, they fell from joy.

Parents are priceless treasures in our lives just as our children, grandchildren, friends and other loved ones are to us.   Take time every day... to show and share your love.   Life is precious and time is ours... don't waste a minute.




  

Monday, January 9, 2012

The Lesson Joey Taught Me....

For me... relaxing is not an easy task.   As you've found out through-out reading my blog for the past year... I stress and worry... and finding ways to decompress are difficult for me.  I'm not saying that I haven't been able to accomplish it... but, it's difficult.   One of my favorite things... to do... whether alone or with others... is to spend a couple of hours in a movie theatre being swept away.   

I always  enjoy previews of coming movies, books, television programs, etc.  There are some that "lure" you in from the moment you see them or read about them for the first time.  There are others.. that come out of nowhere and surprise you.  (The Help... The Blind Side...)

For me... every holiday season, there's always one movie that is a "must" see because of the previews.     It seems that the movie industry has figured out that after you do your Christmas Eve... and Christmas Day Lunch with your family, extended family and whoever else stops in that..... by afternoon and evening... YOU need an outlet... so why not take the family to the movie.   This has become a tradition of sorts in my own family and this holiday season was no exception.

So.. this year... without a doubt... I knew from the very first preview, my holiday movie was going to be War Horse.   There was something quite compelling about it that just "had me at hello".

I wasn't sure how I would handle the "war" portion of the movie...but for me, the relationships came through even in the previews and I knew... it was THE ONE movie, I had to see.  So... bundled up, Christmas afternoon... the Clampetts headed to the movie.  (What's interesting is that we had a discussion on the way... that we'd be the only ones there... ummm... NOT.   It was a packed house.... all showings!)

As titled, the horse is definitely the key to all of the relationships in the movie... which I found quite interesting since in life... in a group of people, isn't there always one person or common thing that draws you all together.   In War Horse, "Joey" truly bonds with everyone he encounters and brings out magic in each relationship.  He changes their lives in a way... that you feel as if you have your own connection with the horse.  The movie is about a friendship between a boy and his horse, their journey together, apart and finally back together.  It's a story of love, hope, loyalty and... determination.

From the opening scenes... pure, raw beauty...of a European countryside that showed a simple life...you knew it was going to be special.    It was almost like you were holding your breath from those beginning moments to the most brutal of scenes of war and turmoil.   I felt like a puppet.    Through-out the movie,  there were some moments, when I laughed.  Some when i felt the tears burning and others when... I was holding my hands over my eyes.   The war scenes were tough for me, especially one particular one that involves the horse.   But... tugging your emotions is what a good movie is truly all about.  This one... was a masterpiece at making you feel.   Taking you from high to low, back to high again... and keeping your attention all the way through.  The movie is long.. but, you're so involved, for me... it didn't feel that way at all.

Another positive for me... it was truly a great drama that stayed honest and genuine.  There were no words thrown in just to be thrown in... so you could get an R rating.  Sometimes, I think... they just add those... to add them.  They have no bearing on the movie whatsoever and it drives me crazy.  This movie to me.. was Steven Spielberg at his best, yet... it was completely different from any other film he's done.  It was genius.   He took a beautiful, chestnut horse... that relayed power, integrity and innocence and told the story through his eyes.   The marketing ... the greatest journey is the one that leads back home... an epic adventure... hit the mark.   

As I thought about the movie afterward, the message hit home in a very profound way.   The message of loyalty, friendship, love... and determination is definitely one that should inspire all of us.  It should motivate each of us in our own lives.  It should teach us a lesson... that the gift of friendship and love is unconditional.   It's an unbreakable bond between two individuals,  that no matter what obstacles stand in our way... we should push forward through them all.  I think we can all speak from experience that when we meet someone, become best of friends or love them... know that it was simply meant to be.  We also know... that no matter what... we will always be with this person at whatever costs.   For Joey... he fought a war to get back to where he belonged.   How many wars have you fought for your friends or someone you love to get back to where you belong?  

 I know that when I came out of this movie... yes... there were tears... but there was this heartfelt feeling of gratitude for reminding me of what's most important.  Yes... I definitely plan to spend more time at the movies enjoying the simple pleasure of being taken away from the real world... if only for a few hours because sometimes... you actually find that you can apply it to your own life.  

So, next time you're stressed out, having problems, needing a break... take in a movie.   It might be just the thing to change your perspective and your outlook.

For me... WAR HORSE.... definitely Oscar worthy.   (The horse should GET the statue!!)  SO... VOTE FOR JOEY!!!!!

Monday, January 2, 2012

LUCK, FORTUNE, LOVE, HAPPINESS... bring it 2012! Bring it!

HAPPY NEW YEAR and HAPPY ONE YEAR "BLOG" ANNIVERSARY!

Wow!  Can you believe I've actually been blogging for one whole year?   Geez... I had a lot to say... and it appears, I'm still full of it!  (Yes, I am sure that got a great big giggle from some of you and for others... you are now rolling on the floor with belly aching laughter!)  Let me just say thank you to all of you who continue to come back post after post...and read my blog.  I've hit over 3000 views,  which to me... is astounding!  3000 in one year.... for an unknown blogger... well, I will gladly take it and smile all the way to the next post!  (woo hoo!  woo hoo!)  

So.. here we go... 2012... a brand new year... new opportunities... new resolutions... new relationships...new diet..... new goals and challenges....  new everything, right?  Clean the slate and start anew!    So... in honor of a new year...... I've given the blog a new look, some updates and hopefully this year will provide some fresh perspectives and inspiration.    Aren't we blessed to have the chance to "undo", "redo", and "whatever do" at the beginning of every new year.   This year is LEAP year, so we even get an extra day to do it.    So, let's kick 2012 off right... well, let's kick it off with something that was a MUST in my house... and probably yours.   

I'm not sure about you... but every year.. on January 1st... TRADITION takes over in my house.   It's something that I have done for ... as long as I was able to eat solid food.   When my mother was alive, she would ensure that this particular tradition was one.. that was not to be missed or messed with in any way.   If I was going to be out of town on January 1st, she would always call me and make sure that I had not messed with tradition.  (Now.... some might say, these are old wivestales, superstitions, folklores... just stories that have been told and passed down from generation to generation... but, whatever they are... I am not one to mess with it!)  

So.. what is it?   Being from the South, we have a tradition that on New Year's Day... you MUST eat black-eyed peas, cabbage and ham jowls/ hocks or pork chops.... whatever portion but some type of pork.    (Now, I'm not sure about other parts of the country...but I know that anywhere you go in the deep south... on new year's day... this is the MEAL you're going to get.   Why? 

Well... as history goes... according to my number one go to source for ALL answers to any inquiring questions -- wikipedia.... the suggested origin of the tradition dates back to the Civil War, when Union troops, especially in areas targeted by General William Tecumseh Sherman, typically stripped the countryside of all stored food, crops, and livestock, and destroyed whatever they could not carry away. At that time, Northerners considered "field peas" and field corn suitable only for animal fodder, and did not steal or destroy these humble foods. 


So...what is the meal?   The traditional meal that has been passed down from generation to generation is black eyed peas, turnip greens or mustard greens or cabbage and ham or any pork item.   The peas, since they swell when cooked, symbolize prosperity; the greens symbolize money; the pork, because pigs root forward when foraging, represents positive motion.  Cornbread often accompanies this meal which is sometimes meant to represent gold.



This year... for extra good measure... my New Year's Day meal consisted of black eyed peas (cooked with bacon), cabbage (cooked with bacon) , ham, ... turnip greens, butterbeans, cornbread and rice.    Yes... I wanted to make sure that we were EXTRA covered.   I also insisted that my family, not only eat it for lunch.... but, also for supper!  (yes, in the south... we do call the evening meal... supper!)   The result... a very ful-filling start on the first day of the year with the knowledge that we have carried on not only a family tradition, but one that is buried deep in our southern heritage.   

Now..... tomorrow... we all have to start with our new year diet and begin the 14 day cleanse to get all those toxins out from all of the holiday traditions... but for now, we will be quite satisfied that we've ensured our good luck, our good fortune, our happiness, success and whatever other blessings are sure to come our way in the brand new year.  

I'm looking forward to 2012 and have promised myself... to enjoy the simple pleasures of life and to simply live as one of my resolutions.  I've promised to put myself first more often because... there comes a certain age, when... you deserve it.   As I begin my new journey into the new year, most of all I'm looking forward to sharing it with everyone of you.   


Happy New Year!


Ring out the old, ring in the new, 
Ring happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go; 
Ring out the false, ring in the true - 
Lord Alfred Tennyson






Something new for the very end of every blog - some of my favorite quotes.  Hope they'll inspire you as they have me at one time or another.      

"I don't think anything is unrealistic IF you believe you can do it"  - Mike Ditka






8 minutes and 46 seconds..... why it matters

8 minutes and 46 seconds.   Doesn't seem like a very long time, does it....or DOES it?   It’s already July and the last few weeks of May...