Life's Highway... An Open Road

Life's journey is full of surprises.  It's a wide open road from start to finish.   It's not a planned road map with all the right directions.... we all get lost from time to time even though many of us would like to think that we had every detail down.   We each have a beginning where we are brought into this world.   We have a middle where we are establishing ourselves as individuals - our own thoughts, our talents, our ability to learn... we are finding our way.  As adults, we find that we want things out of life that will enrich it whether its a career, a family, financial stability... and yes, even world peace.    Today... I reflect on the foundation of my own journey. ----  My parents.

I was very fortunate to have two parents who loved me.  They didn't always say the words but I knew by their actions that they did. They provided for me, nurtured me, supported me, encouraged me and even when I had trials, tribulations and everything in between... at the end of the day... I could always go back home.. to my parents ....my foundation.  (and... I definitely tested my parents and in many ways... I think that they tested me.  At one time or another,  haven't we all?    But... through out my entire life, they never showed me anything but unconditional love even when i know they could have locked me up and never let me out of the house again.   As I have often said to my own kids... there is NOTHING you can do, will do or want to do... that I haven't already done... so just shoot straight with me.   I can only hope that I can be the same foundation for my own kids as my parents were to me.

I'm pretty lucky in the fact that I always had a close relationship with my parents.   For 45 years ... I saw them every day that I was in town... and if I wasn't in town, I talked to them over the telephone.  I am sure to many that sounds quite strange.... maybe it's because I am the youngest in my family... but whatever the reason, I wouldn't change it for anything.   Don't get me wrong... we had plenty of disagreements over the years and it wasn't always an EASY relationship.... there were many years when it was just downright hard..... but, even in the good, the bad and even ugly... the older I got, the more time I wanted to spend with them.

Now... I no longer have that opportunity.

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, several years ago, I underwent many changes professionally where I had resigned from my job in an executive management position.  It was a life-changing decision and one that took a lot of soul-searching to make....  at the same time that was going on... my personal life took on some profound changes as well.  My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in November 2008 - about 2 months after I quit my job.  He passed away in July 2009 and my mother passed away 6 months later .... last January 2010 from COPD.  ( Needless to say, the last 2 1/2 years have been a journey filled with raw emotions, ups and downs and many days, just a struggle to get up,  but,I keep getting up.   For my parents... they had their beginning, their middle and their end in the physical sense.  They went through life's cycle.   My parents were married 51 years (to each other), they worked, raised a family, had grandkids and enjoyed their retirement.   (That in itself... says a lot.)  My road map had a plan... that I wasn't even aware of until it happened and I know that God always leads us where we need to go..... there are definitely reasons that everything in life happens...  even though we ourselves may not understand it... I didn't realize it at the time two years ago when my life had so many changes... but I know that I was given a priceless gift of time to be with my parents to help care for them and to give back to the two people who gave me life.

One year ago today, my mother passed away.  Sitting here today,  I am overcome with tremendous sadness and emotion.  There has not been one day that has gone by that I haven't missed them.  I have found myself in the grocery store calling my mother to ask for a recipe... to realize after a few short minutes....  the phone doesn't ring and that she's no longer there for me to call.   When Ole Miss or another SEC team is playing on tv, especially during the bowl games, which was a favorite of my dad... I can't go up to their house and sit with him to watch.   My children no longer have their grandparents to teach them about their geneology, their history... stories of the past when society was completely different but we all grasp for a glimpse of the days gone by.   Our foundation is gone... but, not forgotten.  Their memories and spirits live within each of us   Their legacy lives through all of us.   Grief is an emotion that has no time limit or procedure.  Each person deals with it differently and for me... its day by day.  There are many days when I am okay, and as time goes on, more and more that are good and great...... and there are others when I am teary eyed, emotional and feel as if I've been swallowed up by the grief.  Those have become less and less, but they still happen... out of the blue, without warning.   There is an emptiness to my life now, a sense of loss and disorientation that you didn't feel before... but, life goes on..... and each day,  it gets a little more bearable than the day before.   

Life is so precious and sometimes I think that we all get caught up in all the negative of it and we forget to be grateful for the many blessings bestowed on us every single day.  We forget that our faith,  family and friends are the true value in our lives... not money, not material items, not career accolades.  (Yes, all of those things have a place in our lives and give us sense of accomplishment, but none of those things define us .)  The news and media ... they play on our emotions day in and day out.  Most of the time.. it's with just depressing news but have you noticed that when there is a good news story... like the one of the rescued Chilean miners -- it is hugely popular... it's inspirational, positive and just made you beam and cry because finally something wonderful had happened in today's society.  I know that I sat up most of the night... watching one by one as those miners were rescued... holding my breath until they had them all.  I don't think I am any different from everyone else ...  People want good.

I've realized a lot about my own journey since I lost my parents.. and quite a bit about the relationship that I had with each of them and I know that I am one of the lucky ones.  So, today, I am choosing to celebrate my mother's life (as well as my dad's) even though the emotions are still raw and I miss them more than mere words could ever relay... deep down, I know they are always with me and I know that in time... my grief won't be as overwhelming.   As I continue my own journey, I know it won't ever be the same.  I can never go back.   I can only go forward and know that they will always reside within my heart and hopefully all the things that they gave me for my foundation, I will pass on to my own children and grandchildren. 

.....For many of you... you are still able to pick up the phone... and have it answered.   You are able to drive down the road and enjoy a visit for no reason at all.   You're able to share a recipe, a ballgame, a trip or dinner.   I hope that you won't waste another minute in doing so. 

Life's highway... is an open road.   We may not have the exact road map... and its definitely full of plenty of surprises for us.   As we travel along, we choose our stops, our detours, our mountains and valleys and most of all we choose our direction.  We hope that the choices we've made are the right ones and if they aren't... we get back on the road... and keep going.  The core of our journey in life is our relationships within in it and it is up to us... to make the most of them.